Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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