Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
