ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Randomize
