How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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