Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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