I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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