Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Randomize
