clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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