My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Randomize
