remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Randomize
