That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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