Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
