I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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