she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
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