Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Randomize
