he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
operation have a gay friend backfired
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
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