i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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