he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
