just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Randomize
