A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
