I have demons in me.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
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