When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
You dont lie about slip and slides
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Randomize
