sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
