Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Randomize
