I'm pants shitting drunk right now
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
