i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
