I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
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