I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
