i need an iv and a liver transplant
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
