I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I just want to make out with him forever
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Randomize
