I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Randomize
