I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
