I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
