Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
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