i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Randomize
