How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Randomize
