she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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