I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
