The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Randomize
