Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
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