he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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