Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
