It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
