I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
