Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Randomize
