it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
