I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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