and my herpes radar will keep us safe
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
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