Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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