In America we eat man semen.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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