i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Randomize
