I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Randomize
